Tag Archives: Eric Holder

Eric Holder Should Switch Lives with Stedman Graham

9 May

Image used under a Creative License from flickr user ImagePros

Image used under a Creative Commons License from flickr user Floyd Brown

Just think about all the perks, Mr. Attorney General!

  1. No one would notice! Stedman is totally your celebrity doppelgänger (or maybe you’re his). It’s like you both went to the same stylist and said, “give me some gray hair and a freakishly dark moustache.”
  2. You wouldn’t have to read graphic accounts of U.S. authorized torture anymore (because the torture memos aren’t part of Oprah’s Book club, and she would tell you that all those gruesome details bring too much negative energy anyway).
  3. Additionally, no more having to constantly explain why waterboarding is morally abhorrent, ineffective, and actually illegal! Your only responsibility, per Oprah, would be to “live your best life” (which I assume means eating a lot of amazing food and hanging out with Deepak Chopra)
  4. This most malicious rumor people could spread about you is that you are Oprah’s beard, not that you are an Al Qaeda mole intent on destroying the US from within.
  5. Dr. Phil would be at your beck and call, and I’m guessing after a year on this job, you could use some therapy.
  6. Barack Obama would go from being your boss to the guy your awesome partner helped elect. Which means he’d have to suck up to you.
  7. The only people yelling  stupid questions at you would be paparazzi, not Congresspeople and tea-partiers.

Of course, the only glitch in this switcheroo is that there’s absolutely nothing in it for Stedman, so I don’t see him saying yes. Unless he really feels like his life wouldn’t be complete without death threats from crazy right-wingers